In the Innuendo Club's Sexy, Beautiful People thread, Furday, Du, and Drake were gushing over a busty beauty, posing sexily against a car.
Furday gave the model bonus points for wearing checkered flag mini-shorts.
Du countered this by giving her bonus points for having "awesomely big breasts".
"On one hand, I feel bad for contributing to the objectification of women by fawning over airbrushed bimbos whose only discernible skill is bending over seductively." mused Chicken, and, after a pause,
"On the other hand, is my penis."
There was another pause, during which Chicken said he was kidding.
"TMFI!!" cried Du, "The damage has been done!"
"EWWWW! Scarred for life! Therapy bills!!!!" wailed Prin.
Naturally, Furday and Drake approved of Chicken's antics.
"Here's something important to discuss," said Ana, entering the thread. She then proceeded to quote Chicken's comments.
"It's
on your hand? Not, enveloped in, gripped, anything like that? It's just... on, lying on top, like a hot dog on a kitchen counter? That doesn't sound very friction inducing. I question the validity and satisfaction of your technique. If you can't please yourself women will be a problem."
"On, in, we're just splitting hairs here." pointed out Du.
"I don't intend on dating many women with penises" retorted Chicken.
"It's not splitting hairs - there's quite a difference, especially when it comes to sex!" said Ana. "For instance, fill in the blank with on, and then in, for this sentence: "The man came __ the woman." One can make her pregnant, the other will just improve her complexion."
Ana then focused on Chicken's response.
"And if you don't want to date shemales, Chicken, that's your choice. But if you're having so much difficulty stimulating a penis, vaginas are going to be way out of your skill range. When you're with a girl, try just laying your hand on her privates to stimulate her. Then tell me what happens."
"That isn't entirely true, Ana. One can lay one's hands on a girl's vagina and stimulate her clitoris just by rubbing it, without the need to envelop or grip anything. This would constitute an "on" rather than an "in" situation." teased Drake.
"Okay, one, the outer bit is the vulva; the vagina is the internal. Two, the whole-hand-rub isn't very effective for some at applying proper pressure. The hand as a unit is too broad, it chafes more than anything. It's more effective to apply pressure carefully with one, maybe two fingers. But if someone has yet to master curling all fingers in unison to surround his penis, I think separating one or two from the rest and using those without the rest is too advanced to be mastered." smirked Ana.
"Ahh, so we're being specific now in exactly where we're applying the pleasure. No splitting hairs, eh?" winked Drake. "Aside from the fact that lube or saliva could be easily used to prevent "chafing", I will agree that using one's whole, open-palmed hand to attempt to stimulate the vagina (the inside, since we're getting specific here), would be difficult for someone who isn't a complete ho...or hasn't had a million babies."
"And every woman is different too." added Du, " Some are MUCH more sensitive."
Chicken finally got around to responding in the thread.
"Ana, you're assuming a direct correlation between penis mechanics and vagina mechanics. As I understand it, the two, though they share the distinction of being sexual organs, are operated completely differently. If one were to use the grip and pull method of penis procedure on a woman's vagina, there is a very small chance that he will ever have access to the vagina in question ever again. Similarly, if the woman were to insert her fingers into the penis, the man would cry.
Whether or not I can stimulate myself has no bearing on my sexual skill with the ladies. And to be honest, I intend to have a lady be in charge of the penis pleasuring department. In fact, if I were to say I was skilled with penis handling, I'd need to do some serious rethinking of my life.
On a final note, I would like to state that the remarks in question were a play on words, and I was utilizing poetic license. In fact, the opposite of what you suggest is true. Chickenman knows what Chickenman likes."
Editor's Note: We'd like to further complicate this discussion by stating that chickens, well, roosters actually, do not have penises at all.
